Fifty Wishes – The Horror Film Edition

It is day four of my vacation and I had a bit of downtime to type something up. I had a four hour layover in Edmonton early Saturday morning. I probably should have been sleeping. I just wasn’t comfortable sleeping in the arrivals area and departures didn’t open until 4 a.m.; so I sat around drinking coffee and wrote up this list. I swiped the idea for this post from John over at The Droid You’re Looking For. There are a hell of a lot of things I wish for in horror films; coming up with 50 was a piece of cake.

#1. I wish Vincent Price’s IMDB page didn’t show he was “known for” The Hollywood Squares, Mystery, Edward Scissorhands and Basil the Great Mouse Detective.

#2. I wish Christopher Lee’s IMDB page didn’t show he is “known for” Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

#3. I wish all of Dario Argento’s films were as good as his pre-1990s films.

#4. I wish the term “torture porn” would go away.

#5. I wish using CGI blood was outlawed.

#6. I wish more films used practical effects instead of CGI.

#7. I wish they made less PG-rated horror films.

#8. I wish Bela Lugosi had gotten more respect.

#9. I wish all high school themed horror films were as good as Carrie.

#10. I wish less horror films were centered on teenagers and 20-somethings.

#11. I wish there was a new scream queen as good as Barbara Steele.

#12. I wish more nunsploitation films lived up to their exploitative promises.

#13. I wish Oliver Reed had been in more horror films.

#14. I wish there were more haunted house flicks as good as The Legend of Hell House.

#15. I wish all soundtracks were as good as Suspiria.

#16. I wish Universal still made horror films as good as Frankenstein, Dracula and The Wolf Man.

#17. I wish people appreciated foreign horror as much as I do.

#18. I wish I Know What You Did Last Summer was never made.

#19. I wish there were more female directors.

#20. I wish they would stop re-making horror films and come up with their own goddamn ideas.

#21. I wish my generation had a Boris Karloff.

#22. I wish films scared me like they used to.

#23. I wish there were more zombie films as good as Dawn of the Dead.

#24. I wish they would stop making exorcism films.

#25. I wish David Cronenberg would make another horror film.

#26. I wish Giallo never died.

#27. I wish there were more devil worship flicks.

#28. I wish someone would make a horror film with a serial killer that was like Charles Bronson’s Harmonica character in Once Upon a Time in the West.

#29. I wish there were more good films about witchcraft.

#30. I wish there were more female killers.

#31. I wish there were more good horror films made after 1990.

#32. I wish they made more horror films for people who are actually horror fans.

#33. I wish more horror comedies were actually funny.

#34. I wish endings took me by surprise more often.

#35. I wish there was a new director as awesome as Lucio Fulci.

#36. I wish more films had moments like the lawnmower scene in Dead Alive.

#37. I wish more characters had a weapon for an appendage.

#38. I wish there were more films where everyone dies at the end.

#39. I wish more horror films made it to the theatre.

#40. I wish foreign horror films were easier to acquire.

#41. I wish there were more Stephen King adaptations that were as good as The Shining.

#42. I wish the newly revived Hammer made films as good as the old Hammer.

#43. I wish they would stop making ball-less vampire films.

#44. I wish someone would make a film about a race of skinless people.

#45. I wish there were more zombie films that had zombies underwater.

#46. I wish someone would make an epic full length animated Lovecraft adaptation.

#47. I wish there were more serial killer films as good as Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.

#48. I wish that sequels were always made by the director of the original.

#49. I wish telling people I have a horror blog didn’t end a conversation quite so often.

#50. I wish more people appreciated the horror genre as much as I do.

39 Responses to “Fifty Wishes – The Horror Film Edition”

  1. I wish David Cronenberg would make another horror (or sci-fi) film, too. Few directors can top the run he had in the 1980s…

  2. You and my wife should hang out…she loves horror more than me….A movie,B Movie, (is there such a thing as C Horror), I have to convince her to watch other genres she’s usually 80% Horror and 20% Other Stuff…..Great list I agree with all the stuff I knew on it…I think people would appreciate horror more if you didnt get these watered down directed and written pieces coming from producers sitting around at meeting table asking what can make us the most money…thanks GG!

    • goregirl Says:

      HA! HA! I love it! I am about 80% horror myself! I watch at least 30 films a month…sometimes upward to 50! It is a little crazy. Mind you I haven’t had cable TV in several years so instead of munging out watching some tv show I am barely interested in I alternatively watch films. I read somewhere that the average household watches something like 30 hours of tv a week. That means they are spending more time watching tv overall than I do watching films. That stat makes me feel slightly less obsessive πŸ˜‰ Yeah, it is true, it is all about the money and appealing to the largest crowd possible. People like your wife and myself are in the minority.

  3. Great list! I agree with all 50. Back in the day, PG(I remember,GP,too)meant a horror film could still be great. Now,more often than not,PG or even PG-13 rated genre films seem pretty boring. But to be honest,I don’t watch a lot of new horror films. As I grow ancient,I don’t feel the need to see EVERYTHING new like I did when I had more spunk,vim,vigor,hair,and all that. Now that I’m old and cranky,I just don’t care much about new horror films. I think it’s beyond awesome you have a horror blog. I love reading your excellent reviews and posts.I wish you the best always! I wish Goregirl had a Facebook page! : )

    • goregirl Says:

      A lot of Hammer films that seem PG these days, were in fact not when they were released. But you are right, much of the old horror was PG but they cared about atmosphere and story and were full of likable characters and strong performances. Unfortunately you are not missing much not watching new horror. There are of course exceptions! I like Lucky McKee a lot and there has been some good stuff out of France and Japan in the last decade. OY VAY!! No Facebook!! It is hard enough keeping up the post on this blog, my YouTube channel and twitter. I add any more media my head is going to explode!!

      • Just kidding about the Facebook page! I should probably watch more of the new stuff,but just don’t have the time. I would rather re-watch old favorites. I was bored silly by Paranormal Activity and all the remakes that have been unleashed the last few years. See,old and cranky. Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

  4. Love it! I wish you well! I wish Eli Roth would never practice acting again and just go away (from acting).

    • goregirl Says:

      I concur, he should stay behind the camera. Actually, one of my wishes I threw out was that I wished I liked Eli Roth’s films more. Some wonderfully grim ideas and some decent gore, but they lose me with the dialog and characters. Not ready to give up on his flicks, but overall they just haven’t satisfied me.

  5. LOVE this post!

    • goregirl Says:

      Thanks Kloipy! Totally swiped the idea from TDYLF, but Goregirled it up! Did I just make myself an adjective? I think I’m getting a bit too big for my britches!

  6. Awesome post!
    @#28 – YESYESYESYESYES

    • goregirl Says:

      Thanks Andy! I have a hardcore obsession with that film. I have no idea how many times I’ve seen it, but I honestly think it is perfect. I’m actually trying to learn the harmonica right now…No joke! Bronson, Fonda, Robards, Cardinale…all just fantastic. And the soundtrack!! One of the finest soundtracks of all time ever!

  7. Love, love LOVE this post!!! Let me add one wish (for UK followers I guess) I wish the BBC would bring back their old Saturday night classic horror double bills!!
    Awesome blog – one of the few I follow regularly! : )

    • goregirl Says:

      Thanks Cyberschizoid! That’s a real compliment coming from someone who is clearly a genuine fan of the genre! I was amazed by how many people remembered when stations here played loads of the great older classic horror flicks and wished they still did. You should petition the BBC!

  8. I reread this list and I actually agree with pretty much all of it.

    #18 Actually I wish SCREAM had never been made… Wes Craven’s great, but I think his shortsightedness has contributed partly in the popularity of the slasher-lite (IE slashers that had the pristine, sleek studio look). Of course, I wish BLAIR WITCH had never been made also.

    #29 Legit horror witchcraft films and no Harry Potter bullshit. Rob Zombie’s next film (THE LORDS OF SALEM) seems to be about witches.

    #43 Agreed.

    I also wish they (I don’t know who “they” would be, but I know they’re out there) would make more kickass werewolf movies.

    • goregirl Says:

      You probably have a point about Scream being the launching pad for the PG-rated anti-horror fan shitty nonsense that followed. But I freaking HATE IKWYDLS with an extreme passion! Scream at least was sorta clever. Craven is another director who hasn’t made a film I have really enjoyed in years.

      I did a witchcraft slideshow for my youtube channel and was surprised at how few I could come up with. A lot of them aren’t horror at all. Recently seen Witches Hammer (1970)…great film! Czech film based on actual witch trial documentation. Love to see something along the lines of Black Sunday, not a bloody remake, but it is wishful thinking. Didn’t know Zombie had that project on the go. Really hated Halloween 2 but loved Devil’s Rejects. Kinda on the fence about Zombie, but not ready to give up yet.

      Hate to a pessimist here but having watched a crapload of werewolf films I’m thinking a kickass werewolf flick just ain’t in the cards. I will however look forward to being proven wrong.

  9. #5 is sooooooo true. I fucking HATE CGI blood. It pisses me off that Romero is using it now. And I fully agree with #23. Dawn rules. Enough said.

    • goregirl Says:

      It ALWAYS looks pixely! CGI I can handle to some extent if it done well, but nothing beat the awesomeness of practical effects for me.

  10. Yes Corn syrup and red dye we miss you…

  11. Oh wow, this is awesome. Let’s see…

    #10 gives me a hilarious idea about a horror film in a retirement home. You could even use the same old tropes that happen with teenagers. Maybe there’s a promiscuous female, a stoner of sorts (probably from his own medicine)… it’d be pretty funny.

    #12 could not be more true. I think there are maybe 2 or 3 nunsploitations that I’ve seen and liked. The rest have been awful.

    #16 is my favorite.

    Amen to #’s 21 and 25.

    #30 is territory that’s ripe for picking. It’s one of the last truly unexplored territories in the horror genre.

    I’m less than a month away from seeing #36 on the big screen.

    #43 is perfect. Good lord, is that perfect.

    And amen to #50. There’s an anti-horror bias that drives me nuts. “Oh, I don’t watch those”. Blech.

    • goregirl Says:

      Thanks for letting me steal your awesome idea! It was a lot of fun coming up with this list! This is the most comments I have ever received I think!

      A senior slasher…I love it! Brilliant! The one and only horror-comedy featuring seniors I can think of is Bubba-Ho Tep which I thought was BRILLIANT!! You could even put some of the senior horror icons in it for kicks!

  12. I thought this was a review of Wishmaster. I think I watched that with my grandmother πŸ˜›

    #10. I wish less horror films were centered on teenagers and 20-somethings.

    #20. I wish they would stop re-making horror films and come up with their own goddamn ideas.

    Maybe I’m getting old but I agree with you (my mother says this all the time as well). The recent Friday the 13th had so much dumb and horny teenage meat-bags at the beginning that I thought it might be a parody. Unfortunately it wasn’t…

    #41. I wish there were more Stephen King adaptations that were as good as The Shining.

    Unlikely to happen, since Stephen was upset by Kubrick’s vision I suspect he’s had a hand in every adaptation since.

    #46. I wish someone would make an epic full length animated Lovecraft adaptation.

    There is one. It’s called Prometheus. Watch the film and just put At the Mountains of in front of Prometheus and you’ll see what I mean. Seriously though, I’d like to see a big-screen adaptation of At the Mountains of Madness, Dreams in the Witch House or The Call of Cthulhu.

    • goregirl Says:

      Yeah, I read about that Stephen King hating The Shining thing. I wonder how he felt about Carrie? Most of them have pretty much been utter crap though. Clearly he should keep his hands out of the cookie jar when it comes to the film adaptations!

      I have really enjoyed Stuart Gordon’s adaptations, but I think Lovecraft’s insane visions could truly be honored through animation.

  13. Genius.

    particularly 6, 18, 20, 25, 29, 32, 33, 43 and 49.

    Just a few though: 1) Fulci sucks, 2) I wish they didn’t make fucking Torture Porn.

    • goregirl Says:

      Genius?! Thanks Jarv!!…oh, and FUCK OFF! FULCI ROCKS!!!!!!!!

      • Only a woman that’s never seen either Manhattan Baby or the Black Cat could say that!

        • goregirl Says:

          I’ve seen Manhattan Baby, and yeah, it isn’t good. Everyone is entitled to an “oops” or two! Hell people still consider Argento and Carpenter as the best (including me) and neither of them have made a good horror film in years.

          • To be honest, I haven’t actually seen that much Fulci, and I think I’ve only seen the rubbish ones. I’ll give another one a go.

          • goregirl Says:

            Don’t Torture a Duckling & Lizard in a Woman’s Skin, those are Fulci’s Gialli; Duckling is his opus, but I love both. My favourite gore flicks from Fulci; Zombi, The Beyond, The City of the Living Dead, The New York Ripper & The House by the Cemetery (more or less in that order).

          • I started City, and fell asleep in it. It’s on the free to air thing, so I’ll give it another shot. Always meant to watch Ripper and Cemetery.

            It’s the endless close ups on eyes that get me.

  14. gro up

  15. […] that burrows under the skin and stays with you for days on end. I recently did a post called Fifty Wishes: The horror film edition. My number twenty-five wish was that David Cronenberg would make another horror film. Not that […]

  16. […] a few surprises for you to discover! I have cited Dawn of the Dead numerous times on this blog. On my fifty wishes: the horror film edition I wished there were more zombie films as good as Dawn of the Dead, I named it as one of the ten […]

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