Twenty Tips for Camping I Learned from Horror Films
What a gorgeous weekend it was here in Vancouver British Columbia! Summer is coming which got me to thinking about camping. I actually haven’t camped in years but I recently acquired a tent from a co-worker. I am an amateur camper at best so I referenced some of my favourite camping themed horror films for advice. A variation of the following tips may also be applied if staying in a cabin or embarking on a road trip.
#1. Your guest list should include the following: the biggest douchebag you know, your skankiest girlfriend, an awkward unpopular friend, a funny friend (a stoner friend is a good substitute if you don’t have a funny friend), and a smart, pretty female friend (this is imperative).
#2. If travelling in couples, you will definitely need a fifth wheel. Any of the above guests will do; an annoying sibling will also suffice.
#3. Try to find a location where a group like yours previously disappeared; the more remote the better.
#4. If you discover an unusual, rundown tourist attraction along the way, check it out!
#5. If you stop for directions to your destination and the locals warn you not to go; ignore them and mock them openly.
#6. Be sure to forget some essential camping gear, it makes it more of a challenge.
#7. Pick up a hitchhiker…or two.
#8. No matter where you decide to camp, your cell phone will not work.
#9. Drugs and alcohol are a must.
#10. High heels and a miniskirt is perfectly suitable attire for camping.
#11. There is no idea too stupid if it will get you laid.
#12. Never miss an opportunity to play a joke on your friends. Make strange noises outside your friend’s tent and then spring from a hiding place when they come out to investigate.
#13. If you hear a disconcerting sound in the night, investigate it immediately, preferably alone.
#14. If one of your party goes missing, always split up to search for them.
#15. No one can run through the forest without tripping and falling.
#16. Flashlights always stop working.
#17. No camping trip is complete without an evening Skinny dip.
#18. If warned not to eat a certain berry or mushroom, do so immediately. Don’t let some buzzkill, no-it-all tell you what to do.
#19. Regardless of how new your vehicle is, you will not be able to get it started when you really need to.
#20. If confronted by a wild animal or deranged killer try to reason with the menace. Alternatively beg for your life, or scream. You may also consider escape; keep in mind tip #15 and tip #19.