HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1960) – The Dungeon Review!

There are monster movies and then there’s Horrors of Spider Island. Horrors of Spider Island is one miserable mess. This German made cheapie can be summed up in one word; ÜBERCRAPEN!! According to the trivia section on IMDB the film was first released as an “adults only” feature called It’s Hot In Paradise. Three years later they cut the nude scenes and re-released it in the U.S. as a monster flick. Even without the trivia it is clear this film was not intended to be a horror film. There be spoilers ahead matey!

A group of female dancers are hired for a gig in Malaysia. Whilst travelling to their destination their plane crashes. They become stranded along with their benefactor and his assistant on a seemingly deserted island. They find a cabin with provisions along with a dead man caught in a giant spider web. A bad omen to be sure, but it won’t stop the girls from having a jolly good time.

The film opens with an audition for the dancers. I would think an audition for dancers would involve dancing but only two of the girls actually do any dancing. One of the gals is a ballet dancer and doesn’t get the job. The other dancer gets the gig. The other women walk into the room and just get the job. The “loosest” among them undresses for her audition and gets the part. And off we go on our craptacular adventure. The plane the girls are in catches fire and crashes and they all survive with barely a scratch on them. Well that is pretty darn lucky ain’t it? They float around in a boat for a few minutes and spy some land; the land of course being “Spider Island”.

Spider Island’s spider is the size of a Chihuahua and is killed after biting the girl’s benefactor Gary. Gary turns into some manner of spider-man that looks like someone threw oatmeal in his face. He strangles one of the girls and then spends his time hiding inside a hollowed out tree until the thrilling conclusion. The girls are concerned about Gary’s disappearance briefly but in no time flat they are back frolicking and skinny dipping. Fortune shines on the gals when a couple of men arrive in a small boat. The men were working with a scientist who we learn is the dead man in the web. They tell the women that a boat will be arriving the next day that will take them all home. Yahoo! The girls decide to have a party to celebrate. They strip down to their bra and panties which they decorate for the occasion. This is followed by a long section where the girls dance and neck with the two men. Finally Spider Gary comes out of his tree and chaos-ishness ensues.

The film provides some unintentional laughs but never makes it to “so bad it’s good” territory. Horrors of Spider Island has some of the worse dubbing I have ever come across. Several women seem to have identical voices and I had to wonder if all the female characters might have been dubbed by one person. The film felt much longer than its actual runtime. The dialog is terrible, the story is lame, and the monster is pathetic and barely makes an appearance. If you want to see a monster film with a bunch of women wrestling, swimming, flirting, dancing and frolicking about in their bra and underwear, this one is made for you. Maybe the boys will find something more to like about Horrors of Spider Island than I did. While the film was probably pretty risque for 1960, if you ask me, even as a bawdy romp it is pretty damn lame. Let me sum it up for you one more time; ÜBERCRAPEN!! Not recommended.

Dungeon Rating: 1.5/5

Directed By: Fritz Böttger

Starring: Harald Maresch, Helga Franck, Alexander D’Arcy, Helga Neuner, Rainer Brandt, Dorothee Parker, Gerry Sammer, Eva Schauland, Helma Vandenberg, Elfie Wagner, Barbara Valentin, Walter Faber